Drunken Hearts
by Mysteryguy12
Summary: Cloud's house party get's a little out of hand when the XIII Order bring in the kegs. Mild adult themes as well as language. Pretty funny if you like randomness.


I don't own Sephiroth or any of the characters…or the place…I just own the idea. SO don't take it or I'll sue you.

Ok…so I got this idea while being FREAKING BORED! Cause I live in the suburbs. I have never been drunk…nor have I spent a particularly long time around drunk people but I find the concept interesting.

Erm…also..as a warning…I don't think this merits a Mature rating…but it is more on the adult side…I dunno…maybe I'm just paranoid. No flames unless they are well thought out please. I'm just trying to have a good time.

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Drunken Hearts

"Dude! Omigod! Cloud, Cloud you gotta see this!" Sora stood by the doorway of the bathroom jumping up and down excitedly. "He's been going for like, friggin…ten years!"

The blond haired teenager with intense bedhead struggled to his feet. "Sora…he couldn't of been doing…whatever…for ten _years_."

"Dude! No, no! I'm sheerioush!" forgetting the mug of beer in his hand he pointed into the bathroom and accidentally flung it inside. There was a yelp of pain from inside the bathroom. Sora gasped in fear and then started laughing.

A voice from the bathroom called out, "Shora? Ish that yoush? Oh man Shora…you're gonna…you're gonna getsh it now!"

Sora doubled over in pangs of laughter and suddenly a yellow stream of liquid flew out of the doorway, landing on Sora's pant leg. Completely oblivious to the fact that he was being peed upon, Sora laughed and pointed into the bathroom again.

"Cloud! Cloud…dude…Tidus has been pee. Has been peeing for like…he's been…he's been rockin' out with his cock out for like…" Sora degenerated into a contained giggle fit at the mention of cock.

Cloud stared, thoroughly disgusted by the site of the now darkened pant leg of his friend and the slowly growing puddle beneath him. Tidus gave a woot from inside the bathroom and the jet of pee began to spaz wildly.

Cloud turned away in disgust and headed back downstairs. To be fair…it had been a fun party. Had been. Until Axel and the rest of the XIII order showed up with kegs. The stairs were riddled with various cans and pieces of clothing. One of them looked a lot like something Squall would wear under…

"Oh god dammit.."

"WOOHOO! I'M NAKED!"

Cloud turned the corner into the kitchen to see that Squall was indeed telling the truth…on top of the counter.

"Oh no…"

Squall did a funny dance and then slipped and fell on top of Marluxia who grinned wolfishly. Squall gave him a funny look and then dazedly said, "You know…I have…I've had a lot to drink and I find you. And you. And the you that you keep under _your _chin…to be very attractive."

Marluxia smiled and kissed Squall lightly on the lips.

Squall attempted a smile that sort of…missed and said "Shall we go somewhere a bit more…primate?"

"Only as long as Tarzan isn't there you big hunk," said Marluxia seductively. As he led Squall out of the room he added under his breath, "I've had enough of him for one night."

Cloud sidled up to Axel who was trying to pick up five girls at the same time. He seemed sober so Cloud asked, "Erm…Axel? How many drinks has Marluxia had?" Axel looked up, annoyed at the interruption, but answered anyway.

"Marluxia? Dude…he's pretty straight edge. He doesn't drink or anything."

"That's what worries me." Cloud shuddered and mulled the idea of saving Squall the horror of waking up the next day next to Marluxia but decided that it would be to awful to risk walking in on the two. Cheers from the next room interrupted his thoughts.

"GO! GO! Take another one man!"

Cloud ran into the next room and stopped dead. Cid, Zexion and Sephiroth were sitting around the dining table with enormous piles of shot glasses piled all around them. Hades stood over them and announced the score. "Cid and Zexion have now drank 92 shots each!"

"WHAT!" Cloud rushed forward but was stopped by Lexaeus. The large man stood over him and shook his head. Cloud sputtered, "But they will _die_!" Lexaeus just shook his head again. "Dude!" Cloud made desparate motions with his hands and finally just gave up. You know what? Whatever. Never mind. Just…screw it. I don't even care anymore." Lexaeus nodded. Hades voice once again boomed loudly through the room.

"Sephiroth…you said you would drink twice the amount they both drink, combined. I think you're on your..." Hades opened up a notebook and flipped through it.

"Oh what the _hell_?"

"One hundred and eighty second shot! Down two more my friend!"

"WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DRINKING?" Cloud managed to make his way around Lexaeus and grab the bottle from Hades' hand.

"Hey man? What are you doing? Things were just starting to get good!"

"Ghhhhhghhh," said Sephiroth.

Cloud stared at the bottle. "How is this possible?" he asked.

Hades pondered the question. "Well…Sephiroth is nearly a God…Zexion is a master of illusion so I have a feeling he hasn't really been drinking his fill and Cid…"

Cid attempted to stand up…backwards...with his hands. He fell over forward and confirmed that he had done exactly what he wanted to do.

"Well Cid drinks a lot."

"Whatever. Just…fuck you guys." Cloud threw down the bottle of rubbing alcohol onto the table and stormed back into the kitchen. Axel strode passed him with Larxene, Yuffie, Selphie, and Kairi hanging off his arms. He gave Cloud a wink and said, "The ladies just love it when a man can set shit on fire."

Cloud kept walking until he came to the living room. It was quieter in there. There were only two people…erm…one person…two…whatever. Riku and his clone were sitting at opposite ends of the couch having a debate.

"I'm Riku," said Riku.

"I'm Riku," said Riku's clone.

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm Riku."

"I'm going to kill the next person who says that!" yelled Cloud in annoyance.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Cloud saw no one make any move to get it so he stood up himself and trudged over to it. Upon opening the door he saw a petite, scantily clad girl with long blonde hair smiling up at him.

"Hi there!" she said. "I'm Rikku!"

Cloud cut her in half with his buster sword and then slammed the door shut. He leaned against the door for a while, pondering his situation. The sounds of rabid drinking and partying came from the dining room. Hades screamed the latest score.

"Cid has reached the two hundred mark and Zexion has passed out at the one twenty five. You know what that means Seph!" A roar of numbers ranging from three hundred to one thousand and twelve erupted from the dining room. Cloud shook his head.

Suddenly he smelled smoke. "Oh no."

Cloud dashed into the dining room where he beheld his curtains to be on fire. On fire was not a natural state for curtains to be in. Why were they on fire?

"It wasn't me!" said Axel and Hades in unison. Cloud gave them an exasperated stare.

"MWEEEHEE hee hee!" Yuffie came stumbling out of the bedroom with a lighter in her hand. "FIREFIREFIREfirefirefire!" Cloud kicked her in the face and wrenched the lighter from her hands.

"Alright…where the hell is Vexen?"

All the hands in the room pointed to the bedroom. Well…nearly all the hands. Cid punched himself in the face by accident and Sephiroth didn't even move.

Cloud stormed into the bedroom. "Vexen! Are you in h-AAAAAuuuugh!"

Vexen looked up in embarrassment. He stood, with a large leather whip over Marluxia and Leon, who were both tied up and naked.

"Erm…sorry Cloud…"

Shielding his eyes, Cloud yelled back, "Listen! Yuffie started a fire! Just…go and put it out and then you can come back and do whatever the hell you want! God…just…keep the door locked!"

Vexen nodded sheepishly and followed Cloud out of the doorway. The fire had remained pretty much by the curtains although it was beginning to spread toward one of the dining room chairs. Specifically the one that Sephiroth was sitting on.

"OH SHIT! Vexen! Put it out! Put it out!"

Vexen raised his hands and summoned ice into that side of the room. It covered everything and stopped the fire instantly. Sephiroth was frozen solid. The party had migrated towards the living room. Cloud finally gave in and walked toward the door to his house. As he reached for the doorknob, the bell rang. Cloud opened it, not sure what to expect.

"Sounds like a party in there." A man in a large red outfit with a leather mask stood at the front steps. Cloud looked at him for several seconds and then motioned towards the bedroom with his hand.

"Looks like you're here for Vexen's bondage thing…they're in the bedroom." He walked outside past the man in the red leather. As a bit of an afterthought, he turned around and added, "You freak." Cloud then got into his car and drove away, confident that the next day would leave him with an empty house and a large mess, something he could deal with.

Back at the front door of the Strife residence, DiZ mulled over the conversation with Cloud. "Bondage? What the hell does he mean by that?" He looked down at himself and mumbled, "This is the way I always dress."

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That was a lot of fun to write. I felt like I totally needed a break from the intensity of Shadow Feather so I threw this little thing together…I think it really has some golden spots in it. Good jokes and overall craziness. It was a laugh to create. I won't ever to a second chapter though…unless I get enormous reviews.


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